Today’s guest post is from Anica Oaks.
When a parent or loved one goes to prison, children can easily become confused, saddened and overwhelmed. The absence of any close family member can be difficult for a child to cope with, especially if that relative held the role of a primary caretaker.
Stability and routine are integral to a child’s development and well-being, so you must make sure that you seek to help your child understand and process what is happening as early as possible.
You yourself may be having a hard time coping with your loved one’s incarceration. This is an emotional period that can be difficult to talk about, but having an honest conversation now will help you and your child begin to heal and cope together.
Tell the Truth
While it’s natural to want to protect your child, honesty is always best in situations like this. The level of detail you include will vary depending on your child’s age. A 2-year-old, for example, may only need to hear that their relative has “done something bad and gone away for a while.” But an older child can be given greater detail and hold an open dialogue with you.
You should keep the conversation age-appropriate and make sure that you reassure your child that their loved one still loves them. Assure them that none of this is their fault.
Embrace Different Reactions
Children’s emotional responses to situations vary. Some may break down in tears, others may get angry while others still could seem unfazed. Ask your child, “How are you feeling?” or “What do you think about this?” Encourage them to open up, and when they do, make sure you allow them to feel everything.
This is an opportunity to let your child understand that it’s okay to be sad and angry. For many children, this may be the first time that they learn the two emotions can coexist.
Offer plenty of reassurance, and avoid phrases like, “Don’t cry,” or “Don’t be sad.” While these are meant to be comforting, they can subconsciously influence a child to believe that crying and expressing vulnerable feelings like sadness is wrong or weak.
Be Prepared to Answer Questions
Let your child ask questions about life in jail or prison, and do some light research ahead of time. If they are old enough, talk to them about the basics of a court hearing and role of a criminal defense lawyer. Help them understand what life will be like for your relative. Tell them that they will live in a small room with other people and spend their day bettering themselves.
You do not have to depict jail as an evil place or paint your relative as a monster. Instead, let your child know that sometimes, adults break the law, and they have to learn from their mistakes. Jail is where they go to do that.
Get Professional Help
Incarceration is a major life change that can be hard to adjust to. Talking to a licensed family counselor can make it easier for you to talk to your children. You may even decide to bring them along and have the therapist help you work through your feelings together.
Remember, there is no shame or fault to be had. Neither you nor your child should feel guilty or ashamed for having a relative in jail. Although this is a difficult period, you have the opportunity to help your child learn how to cope with difficult emotions and become more resilient.
Anica is a professional content and copywriter who graduated from the University of San Francisco. She loves dogs, the ocean, and anything outdoor-related. She was raised in a big family, so she’s used to putting things to a vote. Also, cartwheels are her specialty. You can connect with Anica on Twitter @AnicaOaks.