Breaking free from mom-guilt and the shame of failure

Lately, I’ve let guilt of every sort consume my life. Guilt from being impatient with my kids and not giving enough of myself. Guilt over not giving enough of myself to my spouse, and the constant mistakes I make on a regular basis. Guilt over not being a good daughter, sibling, friend. Guilt over my terminal diagnosis and how that will affect my family. Whenever something comes up like a birthday or even me just standing up for myself, I think, well, I won’t be here next year, so do I even deserve it?

Obviously all this negative self-talk leads to a downward spiral, and the only way that you can break the cycle is stopping the bad thoughts in their tracks and focusing on the good. And all these tips I have for overcoming depression. But I think there is something more here, something that moms specifically struggle with, and that is guilt over not being enough as a mom and/or spouse. In order to break free from the bondage of guilt, you need to move into a place of truth.

The truth is that none of us are enough. All of us will continue to make mistakes and fail the ones that we love. The truth is also that Jesus Christ took all of our inadequacies and shortcomings on the cross. Reality is when God looks at us, He doesn’t see how we yell at our kids when the first five times they didn’t listen after we spoke with a calm voice. He doesn’t see how we crash at the end of the day instead of spending time with our spouse. He doesn’t see broken promises and disappointments. He sees someone whom He loved enough to send His son to die in order to have relationship with.

What it comes down to is identity. Do I see myself as a collection of failures or as an object of God’s love? What is the burden that I am carrying? Jesus said this:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Everything that you are carrying, and it is substantial, you don’t have to carry. Every day, surrender it to the only one who really has control over everything. This doesn’t mean give up, or don’t try; it means accept that when you fail, you are still loved, This is not who you are. This is who you are:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3:17-19

What this means is that you have value, you are exceedingly precious, you are of amazing worth – because the God who created the universe considered you worth it. Because of the cross, because of the ultimate sacrifice, YOU ARE SO LOVED. There is no greater demonstration of love than this. As a parent, you know this. There is no greater sacrifice. And because God did it for you, because Jesus did it for the joy set before Him, you are the most precious thing in the universe.

Instead of focusing on all the areas where you lack, look at Jesus. Every time you slip into a depression thinking of where you fall short, lift your eyes. As you meditate on His goodness, glory, and love, your spirit will lift. As you behold Him, you will reflect his glory:

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. -II Corinthians 3:18

It’s like Jesus took a giant paint brush, dipped it in love, and painted over the canvas of your life – the canvas of failure, mistakes, sins, and guilt, and covered it up completely until nothing was left to be seen except shining, perfect, flawless love. This is your task: explore and discover this love, the vastness, the extent of it. Meditate on the cross. Whenever you have a moment (or a day or a year) where you are consumed by your shortcomings, set your eyes upon the cross. Remember what God would do for you. This is who you are. You are loved by God.