It’s hard not to battle guilt as a mom. We even feel guilty for not enjoying every single moment with our kids, as if the ability to feel peace and joy while your kids are giving you attitude or simultaneously tossing demands at you is a mark of a good parent.
It’s no secret that I have battled with depression and anxiety. Being a parent to a special needs child hasn’t helped my anxiety, and being diagnosed with late-stage terminal cancer hasn’t helped my depression. Throwing those two in the mix can make it difficult to find joy in the day-to-day of parenting.
Since before getting married over twelve years ago, I wanted five kids. My husband still wants five. But I have been so consistently overwhelmed with my three that I can’t imagine having more. Not that it’s even an option for me medically at this point.
Does this mean that I don’t love my kids or that I’m not a good mom? Of course not. Beyond the biological imperative I have to put my kids’ needs first, miss them when they’re gone, and think about them constantly, there’s nothing more important to me than family. I don’t want less time with them so I can spend time with my friends, at the movies, or the beauty salon. Not that there’s anything wrong with those things.
Parenting is difficult. Parenting is constantly sacrificing what you want for someone else. Parenting is teaching tiny humans who have underdeveloped logical capacities to do the right thing, and having them constantly fight you. There are tears, despair, frustration, and exhaustion. All of it is real, every emotion legitimate.
At the same time, if you’re a parent, you know that there is nothing else more fulfilling than family. There’s a good reason you made those sacrifices, and while you might not see it in the moment, day in and day out you know it to be true. The privilege of walking besides the tiny human you helped bring to life and watch them achieve many things. The snuggles and kisses. Giggles over silly things they say and do. And mostly, the bond of love. Nothing quite brings meaning to life like family.
As a mom, you need the right kind of support to navigate the ups and downs of parenthood. Most of the time, this will not come from strangers on social media who don’t know you or your situation, and who may or may not be compassionate. I’ve come across some mean ‘ol moms in Facebook groups, can I get an Amen?
What you need is a handful of moms who can encourage you when things are hard, who can give you the perspective that is difficult to come by when you’re “in the trenches of motherhood.” You need wise advice and sometimes just a listening ear. If you come away from talking to a friend feeling more discouraged than before, maybe they’re not the friend you should share your burdens with. But where is a good place to find a compassionate, listening ear?
1. Church
Not every mom in church is going to be the type of friend you need, but chances are there are a few gems sitting in those pews. A few wise women, who have learned to get their strength and hope from God.
2. School
Since my son had special needs, sometimes I just want to talk to another parent that is in my same situation. They truly understand what I’m going through. My son’s school has a parent club for that purpose.
3. Family
Oftentimes family does NOT provide the gentle listening ear that you need, but don’t rule them out. Two of my sisters have kids and they also understand some of the emotional issues I struggle with since they’re cut from the same cloth. It helps to talk about it.
4. Older moms
While I have found that older moms can sometimes forget the difficulties of raising small children, they help provide a precious perspective that the hard stages do pass. It is encouraging to hear them talk about stories of raising their kids and hear their wisdom on situations. Some places to find older moms to talk to might be your friends’ moms, grandmas to some of your kids’ classmates, or, again, church.
While it is super-important to have good mom friends to help you navigate the mountains and valleys of parenting, it’s more important to be spending regular time in God’s presence. Every day ask for grace to deal with the unique challenges, and read His word regularly to gain wisdom to parent well. When you feel alone, you’re not alone.