Finding contentment in the midst of suffering

When I first started blogging in 2016, I was on a journey to find more peace and joy in my life. I had received some minor breakthroughs and blogged about it. I even started writing a book. But as I continued to struggle with contentment even though externally I was quite blessed, I stopped writing. How could I teach others that which I hadn’t learned myself?

To be fair, I was juggling quite a bit with work and family, working from home almost full-time with no childcare, three kids five and under, one a special needs child who needed constant supervision. I had quite a few anxiety triggers, and despite being married with healthy children and a job that I loved, I struggled more than I cared to admit.

During this time I was quite cognizant of my lack of perspective and prayed often that God would help me to view my life with heavenly perspective, achieving a joy that wasn’t contingent upon the perfection of my circumstances. My heroes ranged from the apostle Paul, rejoicing while imprisoned for his faith, to ordinary friends in my life who maintained a cheery demeanor despite things like poverty or health issues.

If you have been following my blog and social media channels lately, you know what happened next. I got a fresh dose of perspective in the form of a very bleak cancer diagnosis in the spring of 2018. Not only did the doctors find a very aggressive form of cancer in the late stage, they gave me two years to live. That was one year ago, and in the past year, my outlook on life did a 180.

I got a double dose of healthy perspective pretty quickly. First of all, I realized which things were important and which weren’t. I also learned to savor every day and constantly renew my gratitude. I began to acknowledge that every moment is a gift. Secondly, I experienced a lot of pain, discomfort and fatigue in the first few months of treatment. That helped in that everything that came after, even though it was hard, was so easy in comparison that it helped to reinforce my gratitude.

Looking back, I wish that I was able to live in thankfulness as I am now. I am glad that God answered my prayers and blessed me with contentment. I am grateful that in this hardest yet season of my life, I can still focus on the positive and not waste a single day wishing for something that I don’t have.

I have wonderful friends and family. I have a great job. I’ve experienced awesome things, and we always have enough food on our table and clothes on our back. Last year were bought our first home in a wonderful school district. My autistic son is learning and growing and becoming more engaged, responsive, and affectionate. I’m thankful for all the skills that I’ve managed to accrue in my 39 years of life. And most of all, I’m thankful that when God calls me home, I’ll be able to experience the glorious presence of Jesus, immersed in unsurpassed beauty, learning of the infinite aspects of his character, in unrestrained worship.